(weight talk, suicide talk)
I had been having a bad day, I mean mainly I was unconscious for twenty-four hours and woke up to find myself not only alone but alone at home and wondering about that whole conversation we had had about how we recognize that I will not be admitted to the hospital unless I actually literally overdose, and here I am, not at the hospital. How overdosed to I have to be before it counts? Literally how did any of you get to go to the hospital? I keep getting bounced bounced bounced.
Before I would be nonresponsive for two, three days and nobody would take me to the hospital. And I know that was because back then I was very vocal about not going to the hospital, and I guess I respect that. But here, again. Unconscious for days and waking up alone and at home when all I want in the world is to go to the hospital.
I was thinking about the “therapist” last night who bounced me even after I requested hospitalization. (And also, the way you can come in and say “I need to be hospitalized” but their job is to convince you that you do not need to be hospitalized, “are you sure,” “but can you describe in vivid detail why your problems are not any different from average ones” until they can find a way to argue that they can make you a ward of the state, instead, and call the cops, unless you decide to thank them and not argue and go home to try to kill yourself instead.) Thinking about how he looked me up and down and said, “I think the problem is exercise.” He looked at me and decided that I was out of shape. And since then, I mean I know my weight is “out of control,” in that it is only about ten pounds under the low end of underweight, I imagine he looked at me and could not see that I was a danger to my own mass. He looked at me and decided that I need to work on my body, and now that is all I can think about. How did I let it get to this, how did I let it get to this point. And I would never want you to think about this post in parallel to the many (and more important) posts about the way doctors treat patients who are not thin. But at the same time, a therapist looked at me and prescribed exercise. Even me. Even I am not thin enough to make doctors happy. I am objectively not that thin and this consumes me every day.
Anyway, I had toast. I did not eat for 24 hours if you count the booze I had last night, which had small amounts of milk in it and so I count as food, but realistically I guess I had not eaten for 33 or so hours.
Anyway then I saw a post by a person I accused specifically for verbally policing my weight and their partners’ weights and the weights of literally everyone over and over again for many years, who has explicitly told me dozens of times that they are only attracted to “thin” or “anorexic” people. They said in this post that they went on a date with a person who told them they felt uncomfortable because their okcupid profile explicitly states they are only attracted to thin people. They said this experience was “interesting.”
But somebody commented to say “it seems pretty backwards to get self conscious over that after you’ve already made it clear you find them attractive enough to have sex with. it is definitely interesting but a little counter intuitive to bring it up at that point i guess?.” Aren’t anarchists great? Great great. Almost as great as doctors and cops.